And I was unkind o___o

I always thought that moments of heroism were precipices, and I’d get to stand at the edge and draw my breath and then jump. They’re not.

They come to me in seconds. There is no time to breathe, no time to think or gather or remember whose I am: there is a single second in which I will or will not.

Be or not be kind. Do or not do more. Give or not give people more than they deserve.

Today I came to that second, I stared into eyes, and on a 9 hour shift, I chose not to try.

Me: “Do you have your card?”
”No.”
”Do you want one? I can-“
”No. … I thought that was on sale.”
”All the sales are with the card. #_#”
”THAT SUCKS.”

In the half-second after he said the words, I had the chance to explain store policy. I could offer him a way around the rules. I knew I could help him and maybe keep his obnoxious business.

I didn’t. I was tired. I was weak. I didn’t want to.

I said nothing, and I stared. I stared.

For the first time in my entire career, a career in which I have been insulted and berated and intimidated and ignored, I let a human being feel the force of the contempt I held for his behavior. I didn’t look at him with eyes that said, “I’m sorry.” I looked at him with eyes that said, “Little man, you overestimate your importance.”

I regret it.

I had the chance to be a hero. I had the chance to do more, to be more. And maybe I taught a small man a lesson. But I…I don’t know how I feel.

He faltered. He’d expected some kind of respect for his outburst, some kind of amusement or camaraderie, I don’t know. My coldness froze his smile to sheepishness. He paid and left without the discount he could have easily received if he had not been pigheaded. Or if I had been heroically kinder.

I turned to the next customer, horrified but heady with power, heart frost-chilled and spun and confused. I made sure to take every extra step to love them.